Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
