if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My liver just had a heart attack.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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