My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
