Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
