i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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