he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
