I faked an abortion last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
