i was born a porn star she said
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want to make out with him forever
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
