you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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