They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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