Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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