saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We had to coat check the pizza.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
