I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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