Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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