Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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