Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How does it feel to date your dad?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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