nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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