There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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