wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
