I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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