I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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