Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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