she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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