i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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