im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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