Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
