my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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