she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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