She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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