Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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