mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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