I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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