Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
