So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
two words...techno handjob
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
