Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
