Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
