I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
