I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
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Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you never un-have a 4some
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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