It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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