Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
