I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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