Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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