I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
