I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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