this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
