Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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