My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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