How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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