I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
