I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
