I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
