I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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