I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I think I just sharted jello shots
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