Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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