tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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