are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
